Worship Opportunities

I was looking back at MonaJean’s / my Caringbridge site from this date three years ago, just two months after her soul left us and she made her heavenly entrance. 

3/18 has been labeled Trisomy-18 day due to the three (instead of two) copies of the 18th chromosome, carrying multiple complications for the recipients of this unwanted “bonus.” 

Reading that entry takes me back in time, and I appreciate my reflections on the scar… something I still look back on with gratitude and remembrance. Here’s a portion of what I shared, and then I have some thoughts on this today, three years later.

“I have no regrets about choosing [a c -section] and now, two months after her passing, I am particularly grateful because of the scar it left. I didn’t have the forethought to contemplate the scar before I had it. I had no idea this “baby tattoo” would bring such comfort in the months to come. It reminds me that she was and still is real. When I feel wrapped up in thoughts that this was all some crazy dream and feels like an out of body experience, I can look and see my scar. She was in my womb, we held her, and she was with us. We had time with her, and she had time to be held and loved this side of heaven. It’s a permanent reminder of that tiny little person who joined our family for an all-too-brief time. 

Our pregnancy, MJ’s birth, her life, and her death have not only left a scar on me physically, but also metaphorically. Scars aren’t necessarily a bad thing, though. They serve as a reminder of something painful, sometimes of a foolish decision, sometimes of a traumatic experience, sometimes of a life-saving effort. Scars are an indicator that something was broken, yet it has healed. Sometimes misshapen and disfigured,  healed tissue indicates a marred restoration. 

Pain has the power to shape, change, and transform a person if we let it. Accompanied with indescribable grief at times, there is still healing. God has used this whole journey to shape me, and perhaps our whole family, in a painfully positive way. In this single year of moving, a job change, a surprise pregnancy, a birth, and a death [and many things inbetween!] we have been changed. Losses and gains. Beauty in the broken. Scars, yet healing.”

I hadn’t yet reached the depths of grief that would come, but what I wrote three years ago continues to ring true. The scar, in all its literal and symbolic layers, even after dipping into some deep, dark low points, has been a continual source of grounding and gratitude. 

But of course it’s also been a source of grappling. 

This year, the book of James has been on the forefront of my mind for various reasons, and the encouragement he gives in trials has met me in that grappling:

Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4) 

Blessed is the one who endures trials, because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him. (James 1:12)

No one undergoing a trial should say, “I am being tempted by God,” since God is not tempted by evil and He Himself does not tempt anyone. (James 1:13)

Is anyone among you suffering? He should pray… (!) (James 5:13)

Do you hear what’s being offered in these? Endurance, maturity, lacking nothing, a crown of life, fulfilled promises.

It was nice to pause and remember today… to reflect on 3 years of lows and highs… wounds and (disfigured) healing. It was additionally sweet to think of what God may be giving me in all of this…strangely hidden treasures in a season of suffering.

I don’t know who will read this or what scars you bear. But take heart, dear friend. Your scars can become a sacred testimony of the trials you’ve endured and the healing that, even if imperfect, is still unfolding. 

Today I’m grateful for the scar and the little life it will always point me back to.